Do I have to love deafness to accept it?

The concept of self-acceptance and Deafhood has been tossed around quite a bit lately. Many have differing opinions regarding what this means to Deafness or deafness. Does it mean you need to love being deaf? Or does it mean you merely need to accept deafness? What does it mean to accept deafness if you don't love deafness? How can you love yourself as a d/Deaf person if you don't love being d/Deaf?

I have come to believe self-acceptance or self-love should not depend at all on our physical abilities. I believe anyone who has lost a sense or become disabled late in life may come to the same conclusion. I am not a lesser person because I lost my hearing. I'm still me. If I gained my hearing back, I would not be a better person. I would still be me. I am me with or without my hearing. The same logic applies to a born Deaf person. He or she would not be a better person if he or she could suddenly hear. Neither Deafhood or "Hearinghood" is something to be celebrated. We are all who we are. Our abilities to hear have nothing to do with who we are. However, we all may wish to celebrate our own individual wonderful journeys through life, whether we can hear or not. There is no doubt a d/Deaf journey can be as exciting and fulfilling as a hearing one.


Taking this one step further, I believe self-acceptance cannot be attached to any ideal physical measure of being. Because the physical body is prone to change, self acceptance must be come from within. Intrinsic values are the foundation of self-acceptance, not extrinsic values. Just as perfect hearing is nothing to celebrate, so is Deafness nothing to celebrate. How we look, our weight, beauty at a certain age, flawless skin, our height, our hair . . .If we live long enough-- it all goes. It's better to love ourselves for who we are inside rather than how we look, how well we hear, see, walk, and so on. Our bodies fall apart over time. Our physical bodies are impermanent.

Other impermanent values are status, identity, reputation, job, money, sports performances, health -- the list is endless. . . Even the level of education we've received loses its importance over time. Those who base self-acceptance on impermanent values remain in constant struggle to maintain self-acceptance. There is always someone who makes more money, has a better job, is in better physical shape, has nicer kids, plays a better game of golf, owns a better car, has a bigger stamp collection or a prettier garden, a cooler blog. . .etc. While maintaining one's health is a worthy goal, the fact is we are all born with a certain combination of genes that leave one prone to health conditions others may not have to worry about.

So you might ask-- What should we base self-love on if not our accomplishments, what we own, or physical attributes?

The truth is others do not love us for our cars or our beautiful gardens, and our stamp collections. Those who "love" us for beauty don't love us, they only love the idea of people seeing them with us. It's intrinsic value that makes each of us special and lovable. That perfect ball of combined peculiarities that creates your unique essence. The fact that maybe you sleep with one eye half open, or you always only hiccup three times then it's over, and Brussels sprouts make you truly gag and there's a cute story about how you got lost in New York City when you were only three, or that everyone LOVES your popcorn because you slather it in butter. Really!! It's silly, but that's what people love about you, or it's some other thing just that silly. I've grieved and I've seen others grieve. No one ever says, "He had such a GREAT car!" when they're grieving. They say things like, "Remember how he used to vacuum the carpet in such perfect lines, but always missed under the coffee table?" or "Gawd, how she loved those ugly dancing shoes--do you remember?"

Self-acceptance should be rooted in the principles we live by. Some common values might be service to the needy, honesty, simplicity, environmental awareness, faith in something-- whether it's Jesus Christ or the Democratic party, peace, mindfulness, spreading joy, teaching others, searching for truth, not eating anything that has to be killed . . . and so on. These intrinsic values are not impacted by life circumstances. When self-love is based on ethics, ability to accept self remains in tact.

Deaf and deaf people currently have many opportunities of focus that may promote communication, unite and strengthen their communities. We can choose commitment toward better understanding of each other. Working towards unity is a wonderful way to express self-acceptance.

Pajama Epiphany

I had an epiphany last night while sleeping. I must be kind of dim because for days I've been wondering what "deficit thinking" REALLY means. It seems I've read at least twenty-five different definitions by now and I wasn't getting it.

Earlier in the evening I had my Kundalini meditation session with Subhan-- which was was wild, but enlightening. Subhan says it all comes together when you reach three points: 1) self-awareness 2) self-acceptance and 3) relaxation.

I don't know about others, but I have the most problem with number two. I'm old enough to be aware of my strengths and weaknesses, and I can relax, but dang-- I still have such a hard time accepting my faults. In fact sometimes I even dwell on them, which can lead to self loathing.

Most the time I do not mind deafness. When I'm alone or with other deaf/HH people, it's no problem at all. But all those awkward times, like today when a lady, cursed, sighed, rolled her eyes and yelled at me because she had to repeat a question--that kind of event gets buried, then comes back as a headache, or keeps me awake at night. It hurts. It's not my fault.

On the one hand the reasonable side of me knows that woman had a problem. On the other hand, because I was working, I had to smile and remain calm and be nice to her. I would have liked to ask her if she thought I purposely developed a hearing loss specifically to annoy her at the library. I mean-- my God if she thinks SHE has it rough having to repeat three times, how does she think I feel having to ask for repeats?!?!?!?

So self-acceptance can be a hard one. Last night I worked on that while meditating and I guess it must have been rolling around in my mind while I was sleeping because suddenly I woke up in the middle of the night with the answer.

Deficit thinking is when you don't accept yourself as a deaf or Deaf person. (I'm applying this to d/Deafness, but I think it can apply to anyone.) It's when you don't accept yourself. When you don't fully accept yourself, and I mean LOVE yourself because that's what self-acceptance is, then you cannot accept others for who THEY are. In order to fully love others, you must accept yourself with all your own flaws, so you can look past other people's flaws.

In order to accept others, to be open to new ideas, technology, culturally different people, we must first become comfortable with who WE are. I hope we can all help each other become comfortable.

(top photo from flickr chicagokristi, side photo-petersblog.org/images/self-love.jpg)